Tuesday, November 22, 2005


Humorous (Apocryphal) Scripture

Acts of John

[John] had hardly lain down, when he was molested by bugs. But as they became more and more troublesome, and as it was midnight already, we all heard him say to them, “I say to you, you bugs, be considerate; leave your home for this night and go to rest in a place which is far away from the servants of God!” And while we laughed and talked, John fell asleep. And we conversed quietly, and thanks to him we remained undisturbed.

Acts of Peter

But Simon was in the house and said to the dog, "Tell Peter that I am not in the house." And the dog answered him in the presence of Marcellus, "You most wicked and shameless man, you enemy of all that live and believe in Christ Jesus. Here is a dumb animal sent to you, taking a human voice to convict you and prove you a cheat and a deceiver..." Having said these words, the dog ran off...So the dog came to Peter...and the dog reported his dealings with Simon.

...Peter turned round and saw a smoked tunny-fish hanging in a window; and he took it...there was a fishpond near by; so he said, "In your name, Jesus Christ, in which they still fail to believe," he said to the tunny, "...be alive and swim like a fish!" And he threw the tunny into the pond, and it came alive and began to swim.

Now the child whom she suckled was seven months old; and it took the voice of a man and said to Simon: "You abomination of God and men, you destruction of the truth and most wicked seed of corruption...A dog reproved you, yet you were not shaken; now I, an infant, am compelled by God to speak, and yet you do not blush for shame..."

There is also the part about Simon zipping through the air until Peter calls on God to make him crash, whereupon he is stoned to death.


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